Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Don't call me stupid.

So this is making the rounds on facebook at the mo by dog lovers. 
It's got me rattled. Why? I own a doodle. He's beautiful and we love him and we paid a few quid for him. Does that make me stupid? No it doesn't. 
It means we chose a puppy rather than a rescue. I've had both. A rescue and digs from puppies. The rescue caused me a heck of a lot of stress and a hell of a lot of money. 
The doodle cost less. And is a lot less stress. Don't get me wrong. I agree with rescuing totally. But it's not for everyone. 
Most rescue dogs can't be around kids and or cats but puppies can. 
And a lot of doodles have made a lot of people happy. I do not endorse puppy mills or overbreeding or breeders who breed without a waiting list. 
I'm not a fan of the kennel club either for a lot of reasons. So I don't need my dog to be a pedigree. I've had crosses before and called them crosses as I know what parents were. A mongrel is a breed of unknown origin and bred with lots of other breeds along the line. 
What we need to stop is puppy farms and overbreeding. Not condemning dog lovers by calling them stupid for having a cross they chose on purpose for the breed and temperament. 

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Tired beyond words.

There's a new name for chronic fatigue syndrome. It's going to refered to as 'systemic exertion intolerance disease' SEID  for short.
Whilst I agree with the exertion intolerance I'm not keen on it being a disease. Illness maybe but disease? Disease pertains to a slowly progressive illness rather than something that can possibly get better. 

Not many people believe this thing exists or that the person who has it is just lazy. Well let me tell you different. Imagine you've been awake and working 3 days and nights straight and you cannot lift a finger with tiredness? How would you feel? 
Like shit? More than likely? Thinking straight? I doubt it. Able to handle any stress? Possibly not. The list goes on. 
Likening SEID to laziness is like likening being sad with depression. 
Not even in the same league! 
From personal experience it's horrendous. It sucks the life out of you. It can make you depressed. It can lose you your friends and family, your job, your home. The list is endless. 
It sucks the life out of you. So many people have it yet it can be hard to get diagnosed because GP's don't believe it exists. The symptoms don't fit anything and 'you need to try harder'. 
It isn't that simple or easy. 
Certain things make it worse, stress, illness, working and ignorance amongst other things. Even being in an unsupportive relationship can make it much worse. 
If you ever feel the need to laugh off someone or belittle them for being diagnosed with SEID then just for a second could you turn that thinking round and think 'thank goodness I don't have that'. 
It does exist. I am proof. If you think I'm lying then swap places with me with pleasure!!

Thursday, 22 May 2014

The hare and the tortoise.

Havent been here in a while!

Been thinking about my blog as a very good friend of mine is critically ill in hospital and she has a blog so I thought I'd check back in on mine.

Sandhy ( was one of the first people I met online when I signed up for the Kenya bike ride many moons ago. She persuaded me to join group one and because of her I met some of the most amazing group of women you could ever imagine!Thank you Sandhy!! I've stayed off the cycling scene for a while as I split with me ex and started working longer hours etc so fund raising and cycling for hours at a time became less of a priority.

I am getting a taste back for doing another adventure however I have no time, no money and no energy. I don't know where Sandhy gets hers from? I feel like a sloth! Or the tortoise and Sandhy is the hare? I get there eventually!

She has so much verve and you can feel the energy buzz out of her.I used to be like that. Once upon a time, in my manic days. I no longer have those days or weeks anymore. I can thank (??)mood stabilisers for that. The only good thing about them is they help me sleep. I'm on a minimum dose but still seem to have piled on the weight. I always have though. I was unintentionally anorexic when I was a teenager and think my metabolism just stopped? maybe, who knows. All I know now is I put weight on very easily and it's very hard to get off!

I used to think when I was in my 20's that I was fat! A size 16 as I have a big butt and thighs and always had a belly. But that wasn't fat! Now I am fat, a size 22. How the heck did that happen?
Well, I know the answer to that of course but it's too blooming late now. The horse has bolted! I know I drink too much but I also like eating out and so does my partner. Our favourite is curry and how calorific is that?

My tablets also seem to have stopped my guts from moving and I can only eat small meals at a time. But I think I've cracked that one. Half my dose of antidepressants and my bowels work! sorry I know, TMI. But it's such a relief! Although cutting down my tablets also means for some reason I sleep like the dead for hours and hours. I read it does cause hypersomnia. But taking 100mg of quetiapine on top renders me unconscious! So I've halved that too.

The other wonderful benefit is that I actually 'feel' stuff, like emotions and happiness! They have beeen missing for a while!
I think that's why I drink because that's the way I can block out bad feelings and it mellows me out. I even have a good laugh when I've had a glass or 3 otherwise my sense of humour is gone!

Sandhy said in a comment a few posts ago that sometimes 'mental illness' may not be mental illness just personality quirks? I think she may be right! Would you take meds to suppress those 'quirks'? No, we wouldn't. I know without a doubt I get depressed and my poor body gives up on me with swollen, oedematus legs and a tummy that looks like I'm about to give birth!! And I have to take to bed and sleep a heck of a lot to get any energy going again.

So, maybe there are some traits of mental illness there but maybe I'm also doing myself an injustice and suppressing the quirky bits?

Friday, 2 August 2013


When I was in my 20's my best friend decided she was going travelling. I had just bought a house but the thought of her going without me sent me into panic mode. I was going with her come hell or high water.

The year leading up to going travelling was one of the best years of my life. Permanent partying with my other best friend. Squeezing in as much as possible before I went away. Buying my backpack and travel items, packing and re-packing, knowing that this was all I was going to have for a year was exciting.

I packed up my house and rented it out and went back to live with my Dad for a few weeks. ONe minute his lounge is full of items for my new home, the next it is full of things from the house I wanted to keep but had nowhere to store. It was very liberating clearing things out that was for sure and having very little to live with, no clutter. It was lovely.

Out in Oz it was fantastic, no one care what you wore, I couldn't buy anything as it would mean carrying it. I had 3 of everything, one to wear, one in the wash and one drying. That included socks, pants and tops etc. I would get in the shower with my undies on and wash them and then they would be hanging up to dry on the end of my bunk.
I was in control of everything in the backpack. I packed it with precision, everything had a place. I collected letter and cards along the way and I would ship these home in a box for safekeeping.

When I came home the ritual of washing undies in the shower continued for a while and Dad would comment on having undies hanging up in the shower. But I didn't have enough clothing to make a full load at that time!! Now I am overwhelmed by pants, socks, clothes etc. Its suffocating the amount of crap I have in my house. When I'm going through my hippie phase I get rid of things and sell or recycle them. I'll dress in things with holes in and bleach stains and not care. When I'm going through my 'posh bird' phase I'll buy loads of new clothes and wear makeup everyday and care what people think of me. If I'm left to my own devices I'm usually a hippie and start looking up communes to live in, it's when I spend time with people who have nice clothes and makeup that I come unstuck and start to think of myself as a tramp.

The same applies to my house, left on my own it's reasonably clean and tidy and I don't care what it looks like. It's when I visit my super clean OCD friends that I start to think about my house and go home and frantically clean things that haven't been touched for years e.g the oven! It makes me anxious and I get no pleasure out of it at all but I am easily influenced by people and their habits.

Back to the backpack. I have a strong urge recently to pack a backpack and travel to far flung places. I'm missing a cycle ride in Cuba this year so I want to go there via Ecuador where a friend has emigrated too. I'm reading a book in which a girl goes and lives on a commune in Spain for the summer, I want to do that too and take my daughter with me. I still have my trusty backpack and feel like it's a best friend I've neglected for years.

Sadly, I won't be going anywhere any time soon but I haven't had any daydreams for a long time so daydreaming about my backpack, me and my daughter going to far flung places for a few weeks is a refreshing change.

Sunday, 5 February 2012


I can believe people suffer from discrimination when talking about mentall ill health. It's an emotive subject that people, sometimes, just cannot grasp.

I heard, more than once, that people despise those who overdose. They say things like ' how selfish', 'how ridiculous' and 'what a waste of resources'. It saddens me grately that one human that could think that about another, whilst they are clearly suffering mental distress for whatever reason. Does it matter why they have overdosed? Sometimes it does, yes, other times not at all. Why should it? Do most people never feel the angst, the stress and the pain of everyday life? Surely they should know that life can be tough and hurtful?

I have often said something to these people as I believe everyone deserves respect, regardless of their actions. Any action. These people are sick and need our help. I have never heard anyone say anything about me regarding my illness or my previous self harm. Maybe it's because they know me? Maybe because they see past my illness and I'm 'not' my illness. By that I mean I am me firstly and more often than not people are surprised I suffer from mental illness, unless I tell them. My illness is not obvious and I can hide it. Some mental ill health is not easy to hide though and it can be quite scary when confronted with someone who is out of touch with reality or not acting 'normally'.

Some of my colleagues admit they find it hard to look after patients with mental health problems and they have no patience with them. Some look after their physical needs just fine but will not talk about their psychological needs and are often taken aback when I ask a patient who had overdosed if they are feeling better and why they did it. Of course I don't ask them so bluntly, I phrase it much better than that!

People are surprised when I talk with patients about their feelings. Why should this be? Whether the patient is psychologically hurting or not, feelings have a lot to do with overcoming fear and confidence in getting better.

After all, 30% of the population are at risk of developing depression or some sort of mental ill health. People have to remember, no one is immune.

Friday, 2 December 2011

Post Kenya blues.

Well, the blues have well truly hit me. I knew I'd feel bad but not quite this bad!!
I have this dreadful apathy hanging over me at the mo. I'm prone to apathy I know and I hate it about myself.
Nothing interests me and I don't want to get on the bike! I was hoping it would be gone by now but it's still hanging about.

Mmmmm. What to do? Well, it's my first whole weekend off with the family since may where I haven't had to go to a bike ride or work or a night out, although it was supposed to be a Group 1 get together this weekend, which unfortunately has been cancelled.

Hence the reason for booking the weekend off. I was worried I would end up working it as my registration has lapsed due to paperwork going to my old address. So I've had to stay off work the last 2 days and I'll lose my pay for everyday I miss until I'm registered again. Which should hopefully be Monday now!

So I have all weekend to spend with the family.

I would like to go to a Christmas fair I think, try and get me in the mood and get me out of this horrid place I'm in right now.

I need to investigate some cafe's too for too!!

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Perv doctor update.

He has since killed himself. Surprise surprise!!

His wife has been interviewed over his death and said they were rebuilding their lives and trying to ‘move on’. Move on?? From being struck off for being a perv? For having child porn on his computer?

She said ‘he was very sorry for what he had done’, oh that’s ok then!! She also said "When it's all over the paper, you cannot put it under the carpet. But I loved him and we had to get through this. It wasn't easy.” Sweep it under the carpet? For the love of God!!!

I was bloody furious! He topped himself because he knew he was facing jail time. More people were coming forward to give evidence against him. He knew he was in deep trouble. He must have brainwashed her like he did some of his poor patients.

People actually sent condolences to his wife saying he was a great doctor and he will be sadly missed. Well that’s as may be however would they say the same if he had pictures of their children on his computer? What if it were their daughter he had assaulted?

He’s a great doctor so it’s ok to assault people. If you are a great nurse is it ok to abuse patients then?